Obama Channels Chavez, Markets Crash

WASHINGTON (SR) - In his first address to a joint session of Congress, President Barack Obama sought to soothe America's financial concerns, pledging to borrow hundreds of billions more for liberal social programs, and adding free college educations and health care to the mix.

"We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before - think Cuba without the frills," Obama said to thunderous Democratic applause.

In response to the President's upbeat speech, the markets today dropped faster than Bill Clinton's pants at a sorority mixer, leading many to question the brilliance of electing a socialist ex-crackhead community organizer to the nation's highest office.

"What was I thinking," asked Kashanda Johnson of Cleveland, Ohio. "My pimp handles money better than Barack. We're screwed."

President Obama Addresses joint session

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Pelosi Meets Pope, All Hell Breaks Loose!

VATICAN CITY (SR) - Pope Benedict XVI met today with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a Catholic who supports abortion, in what observers called a "clash of good versus evil."

According to witnesses, Pelosi attempted to "school" the Pontiff on "what the Bible really means" concerning murder, prompting the Catholic leader to produce a vial of holy water and a large crucifix and driving the snarling and cursing Pelosi back against a wall.

According to witnesses, the Pope then unsuccessfully attempted to exorcise Pelosi, finally abandoning his efforts in the face of "overwhelming Godless liberalism."

After the meeting Speaker Pelosi had no comments for reporters as she hurried to her next stop, a gay rights celebration in downtown Rome.

Speaker of the House Pelosi departs meeting with Pope Benedict XVI

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