Saturday, February 14, 2009

D.C. Woman Gives Birth to 798 Pound Baby

The News Leader of the Known Universe

After months of build-up and difficulty, a Washington, D.C., woman has given birth to a 798-pound baby boy, setting a new world record for its excess.

Anya Reed successfully gave birth in a grotesque public display where doctors from around the country argued about just how to deliver the baby and where to put all of his girth post-delivery.

Specialists from the country's most respected clinics lent a hand to Reed in her nine-month effort to craft what will prove to be the most difficult baby to maintain and feed.

"It cost us thousands and thousands of dollars to have this baby," said Reed, "But it was worth it. Our little boy is big enough to hold this entire country on his back."

Controversy quickly followed the birth when it was discovered that Reed, a single mother, lacked the funds to pay for all the doctors who helped her conceive this baby and had no income to care for it in the long term.

"It's true, I'm unemployed," said Reed, "But this great country has always come through for underdogs like myself. Yes, the baby has already caused me to mortgage my house, pawn my valuables, and donate more blood than I actually have, but I'm sure someone will help me pick up the tab. We really need this baby. He's going to be a valuable contributor to society."

Reed even received a supportive phone call from President Barack Obama.

"I called Ms. Reed to let her know that she's right," said the President, "Nothing is more valuable to this country than an obese, expensive, sweaty, formula-puking, 3-ton-diaper-filling, Goodyear blimp of a baby. He's like a 798-pound beacon of hope."

Many doctors were involved in the controversial birth up until the last second, arguing all the way.

"I was insistent that we make sure and cut the umbilical cord so that it's an 'innie' once the baby's born," said Dr. Sam Oliphant of the Minnesota Pre-Natal Center, "My colleague from Massachusetts continued to insist upon an 'outtie' and we could not perform the birth until this was resolved. Thankfully, we got it resolved the night before."

Other controversial issues with the birth included an argument over whether or not to clip the baby's fingernails and toenails in-vitro in order to cut his weight down a little. Doctors from New York were no more willing to do that than they were to pick his nose in-vitro. In the end, the baby's weight was reduced in a compromise that included the in-vitro removal of a small build-up of toe-cheese.

Crowds gathered at local bars to watch the birth live on air winced as the mammoth bundle of jiggling joy slid from his very uncomfortable mother's body.

"I honestly wasn't sure what to do after I saw that," said Washington D.C. bartender Joe Stevens, "Cut people off from drinking or give away free drinks. Either way they're going to have to save their money to help feed this kid. The question is, would it be better if they got really, really drunk first."

Read more Satire at

No comments: