With Conservatives Like These...

By Burt Prelutsky ~  

Santorum, Gingrich and Perry, all condemned Mitt Romney's Bain Financial for putting people out of work. If anyone should be sidelined, it's Santorum, Gingrich and Perry.

For one thing, as every conservative who isn't running behind in the primaries knows, venture capitalists put their money where their mouths are. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as the old adage goes. When it comes to picking winners, Bain has a far better record than the Obama administration. After all, Bain was gambling on turning around the fortunes of companies that were close to death or assisting in the birth of companies that would otherwise have been aborted. Obama, on the other hand, handed out billions of our tax dollars for no other reason than that company owners had contributed heavily to his presidential campaigns.

As Romney has admitted, there were times when Bain had no choice but to shut down companies and let the employees go, but in every case those employees kept drawing salaries for a far longer time than they would have done without Bain's infusion of cash. Clearly, those factory workers confused themselves with public sector union members. Those are the folks, let us never forget, who keep getting hired and having their salaries and pensions increased in spite of a failing economy. That's the difference between Washington, D.C. and the real world.

Another irony of the campaigns that Santorum, Perry and Gingrich, are running is that each of them promises to shut down entire departments of the federal government if they're elected president. Just how will they manage to keep that promise without handing out thousands of pink slips? While it's true that the intended victims are nothing more than Washington bureaucrats, they are still more or less human beings with children to feed and mortgages to pay.

Some people defend Gingrich's attacks on Romney, insisting that Romney has it coming because of the ads that Romney's supporters ran in Iowa attacking Mr. Gingrich. The obvious difference is that while Romney's attacks could certainly be described as vicious, they also happened to be true. In fact, they could easily have been even more hurtful.

For instance, Gingrich was a serial adulterer. And while he has insisted he is a changed man and that he regrets his sins, the same holds true for every other rascal who has ever been found out. On one occasion, he even explained his adultery by stating "Partially, I was driven by how passionate I felt about this country that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate." It's not every day, thank God, that America is basically cast as The Other Woman. Even Bill Clinton, who couldn't quite define sex, but certainly knew it when he saw it, didn't rationalize his boorish behavior as excessive patriotism.

Not only did Gingrich dump his first wife and their two kids, but, adding injury to insult, he refused to pay alimony or child support, thus forcing the local Baptist church to pass the hat. He eventually repaid the debt in full, though, by converting to Catholicism.

It's true that Gingrich was the first Speaker who was ever censured and fined by his congressional colleagues. And although it was for financial shenanigans, it did not, for some reason, involve the multi-million dollar book deal he had cut with Rupert Murdoch. The deal, it so happens, had far less to do with Gingrich's writing ability than with the fact that mogul giant Murdoch had a vested interest in befriending, otherwise known as bribing, the Speaker, who at the time chaired the committee that oversaw the granting of radio and TV licenses.

Lest we ever forget, Gingrich volunteered to sit on that dumb couch with Nancy Pelosi, and help her perpetuate Al Gore's hoax of global warming. He has since said that agreeing to make that TV spot was the single dumbest thing he ever did. But I think he was just being modest.

Gingrich pocketed $1.6 million of our tax dollars, thanks to the generosity of Freddie Mac, for allegedly giving them advice he claims they ignored for five years. I wonder if that gig is still available. It's a job I was born to have. After all, I'm constantly giving people advice they ignore.

Gingrich derided Paul Ryan's fiscal plan as "right-wing social engineering" and then, for good measure, insisted that when Romney said he would enjoy firing his health insurance provider if they failed to satisfy his needs, he really meant that he took pleasure in firing people who worked for him.

Now, in desperation, after finishing near the bottom in Iowa and New Hampshire, Gingrich attacks Romney for profiting from being a free market capitalist.

The good news for Newt is that once he finally drops out of the GOP race, he can sign on with David Axelrod and start getting paid to help re-elect Barack Obama.

In conclusion, a free piece of advice for Callista: Be on the alert if Newt claims he's working late at the office. By now, I think we all know -- and you, better than most -- how patriotic this guy can get.

Armed Muppets Retake Manhattan

From The Endive - The News Leader of the Known Universe

The country is on high alert today after armed Muppets retook Manhattan by force, storming through the New York borough with heavy artillery and laser-like precision.

“Kermit the Frog here,” said the paramilitary group’s leader in a prepared statement, “For too long we have performed for your kids while enduring the excruciating pain of a human hand stuck up our asses. Today it ends.”

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, from the safety of his personal yacht off of Staten Island, encouraged New Yorkers to stay inside and do whatever the Muppets tell them to do.

“Stay inside and do whatever the Muppets tell you to do,” said Bloomberg, “The important thing is not to panic. The Muppets should know we’re a peaceful people. After all, that’s what we build mosques for.”

Congressional Democrats were quick to blame the United States and the Bush Administration for the sudden Muppet uprising.

“This is all thanks to reckless, irresponsible Bush-era politics,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, “It was the policies of George Bush that led to Muppet hatred of the United States. His anti-puppet agenda damaged our standing around the world and now we’re paying for it.”

Meanwhile, talk radio personality Glenn Beck drew massive criticism for his extreme anti-Muppet combat suggestions.

“All I suggested was making use of lighters and aerosol cans,” said Beck, “Last I checked Muppets were pretty flammable. Keith Olbermann started whining because I want to burn Muppets. Yes. I want to burn the terrorist Muppets. I’d pay for the privilege.”

Meanwhile, the Muppet rhetoric grew stronger as the group tightened its grip on Manhattan.

“We expect swift and immediate compliance to our demands,” said Fozzy the Bear, “We will begin executing people in two days unless we are given the entire island as our own independent Muppet state. In addition, we will be allowed to execute one New Yorker for every hand that has ever been stuck up our backsides.”

Added Fozzy, “Wakka, wakka, wakka.”

President Obama was inclined to give in to the Muppet demands.

“I’m inclined to give in to the Muppet demands,” said Obama, “They haven’t threatened to block the construction of the Ground Zero mosque and they aren’t interrupting my next vacation, so I see no problem giving them Manhattan Island as a gesture of peace. We could all learn a thing about from this Muppets.”

One Muppet made himself available for an interview with reporters from The Endive.

“Hello,” said the Muppet, “My name is Lew Zealand. I am a boomerang fish thrower. I throw the fish and they come back to me. But not today. Today, I am throwing grenades. These grenades do not come back to me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. Gonzo is going apes**t.”

Read more Humorous Articles and Satire  at The Endive

Crimes and Misdemeanors

By Burt Prelutsky

As I sit here, I have no idea how things will play out for Charles Rangel and Maxine Waters, although I find it highly unlikely that either of them will end up in a congressional trial, no matter how much the defendants claim they wish to have the air cleared. When Nancy Pelosi insisted that under the Democrats, the swamp that is Capitol Hill would be drained, she should have kept in mind that after such a draining it’s not treasure chests and fields of four-leaf clovers that are uncovered, but creepy, crawly things.

Although I have no use for either of the two Democrats being investigated, I have a special loathing for Rep. Waters. For one thing, even after a story in the San Jose Mercury was shown to be a hoax, she persisted in claiming it was the C.I.A. that had introduced crack cocaine into black communities. She also championed the teaching of Ebonics in California schools. So it figured that as soon as the Congressional Ethics Committee targeted her, she would insist it was all the fault of political racists, even though half the members of the committee are liberals. On the other hand, back in the 90s, when it was Newt Gingrich who was charged with ethics violations, Rep. Waters couldn’t contain her glee, as she happily announced, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” And vice versa, Rep. Waters.

Still, I find it odd that neither she nor Mr. Rangel, nor the mainstream media for that matter, see anything even slightly racist about belonging to the Black Congressional Caucus, a group that denied membership to Rep. Stephen Cohen, a Democrat from Tennessee, simply because he’s white even though his district is 60% black!

For my part, I can’t figure out how the Ethics Committee determines whom to target. The way I see it, they could probably go after every single member of the House, including themselves, with the expectation of striking gold. Or perhaps I should say striking dirt. I’m reminded of the NCAA. Every once in a while, they decide to penalize a college for infractions involving bribes and other perks bestowed by over-zealous alumni associations on student athletes. The truth is, no matter how good the football or basketball player is, he is going to join the professional ranks in a few years. Thus, the only way to ensure that a college team is going to remain a national power year after year, decade after decade, is to entice the best high school players in the country. Although the colleges aren’t above using attractive, obliging coeds as lures, nothing beats cash on the barrelhead. Back when I was a kid, I would hear the wise guys say that one All American jock after another had to take a cut in pay when he left college and turned pro. Such, alas, is not the case when it comes to professional politicians.

Something I’ve never understood is how permissive America is when it comes to acts of treason. For the life of me, I don’t understand why PFC Bradley Manning and Wikileaks chief honcho, Julian Assange, aren’t on trial for their lives. However these two punks feel about the war in Afghanistan, there can be no justification for letting the Taliban know which Afghan citizens have cooperated with the U.S. military. What makes their activities all the more reprehensible is that they believe they command the moral high ground. It is a delusion shared by those who oppose all wars, those who oppose capital punishment and, of course, by Jane Fonda.

Whenever I see career politicians, I feel my gorge rising. The fact that these sloths, whose main activity is deciding how to waste other people’s money, insist on calling themselves public servants and get to hold fund-raising testimonials on their own behalf is all the more galling. I have been to a few of those events and it’s a good thing that the food is so unappetizing because, otherwise, it would be impossible to keep one’s dinner down. Even if you skip the over-cooked chicken, you’d have to have a cast-iron constitution to stomach the blatant hypocrisy as you listen to cronies and flunkies enumerate the politician’s alleged virtues in a way denied everyone who hasn’t first had the decency to die.

Here in California, we have more rotten politicians per capita than any other state in the nation. One of the worst has been Jerry Brown. He is presently running for governor, a job he has held in the distant past. This creep has been recycled more often than a plastic bottle. Even though he’s 72 years old, he has never held an actual job in his entire life. He began his current campaign by announcing that his opponent, Meg Whitman, had a great deal in common with Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels. His reason was that she had a lot of her own money to spend on her campaign. It seems to me that’s like comparing Charlie Chaplin’s Little Tramp persona to Adolf Hitler because they both had tiny moustaches. But that’s par for the liberal course.

Jerry Brown also had the nerve to claim that Ms. Whitman was going to use the governorship as a steppingstone to the presidency. That’s not a crime where I come from. But in any case, it’s an odd insult coming from the man who used his own governorship to run for president in ’76, ’80 and ’92.

The fact remains that over the past 50 years, Brown has run for president, senator, governor, chairman of the California Democratic Party, state attorney general, California secretary of state, L.A. Community College District Board of Trustees and mayor of Oakland. The truly weird thing is that, more often than not, he’s won those races, even though in a personality contest with a clam, a cobblestone and a tin can, Brown would come in a distant fourth.

The fact remains that the man who was dubbed “Governor Moonbeam” by the late Chicago columnist, Mike Royko, has spent his entire adult life running for everything but the bus.

Read more excellent articles at The Patriot Post