Rangel Celebrates 80th Birthday in Empty Ballroom

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Embattled lawmaker Charlie Rangel, caught up in an ethics investigation, sat alone in The Plaza Hotel ballroom Wednesday, picking woefully at a piece of cake and quietly singing “Happy Birthday to me.”

Rangel reserved the ballroom with the expectation that all of his friends would show for what promised to be the “coolest party ever.”

“Aretha Franklin is going to sing Happy Birthday to me,” Rangel told friends in congress yesterday, “You have to be there – after Aretha sings, we’re going to swing at 80-pound piñatas with ten-foot poles. Then, we’re going to watch a movie, take pictures with Bill Clinton, and everyone is going to get the best goodie bags ever.”

“Ever,” added Rangel.

One by one, Rangel’s guests wiggled their way out of his invitations. Former President Bill Clinton informed Rangel on Monday that he would send a short video-taped message instead. The Queen of Soul claimed to have broken a couple of ribs and backed out of singing in person.

Soon, eight more of Rangel’s friends in the House of Representatives backed out, all claiming that they had agreed to go to a competitive birthday party of 10-year-old Evan Stevens of Reston, Virginia.

Rangel was particularly disappointed when close friend New York Governor David Paterson expressed his regrets.

“You’ve gotta come to my party, David,” said a desperate Rangel as he chased Governor Paterson down the hall, “We’re going to have a cake shaped like the Lincoln Memorial. You love the Lincoln Memorial, and you love lemon cake.”

Paterson apologized and explained that he promised his wife he would attend her colonoscopy Wednesday night.

When the party began Wednesday night, Rangel sat alone in the Plaza ballroom, looking up occasionally whenever he heard a sound similar to an opening door. At one point during the night, he was excited to see a guest arrive, until the guest realized that he was in the wrong ballroom and asked Rangel where he could find the Liebowitz Bar Mitzvah party.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay at my party instead?” asked Rangel to the tuxedo-clad Liebowitz relative, “We have a punch bowl with toy boats in it!”

Finally, Rangel gave up on the guests and watched the taped messages from Bill Clinton and Aretha Franklin.

“Dear friend, constituent or creditor,” said Clinton via videotape, “I am so proud of you on this wonderful occasion. Keep up the good work and stay happy. We’re pulling for you and we appreciate your support. Love from me and Hill.”

His video was followed by a short video of Franklin singing Happy Birthday.

“Happy Birthday to you,” sang Franklin, “Happy Birthday dear friend, relative, or general acquaintance, Happy Birthday to you.”

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Gulf Hit by Massive Illegal Immigrant Spill

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Just as Gulf residents began to see light at the end of the tunnel, another disaster hit the troubled body of water. Thousands of illegal immigrants poured into the Gulf through ruptures along the Gulf coast.

“All the illegals who fled Arizona were just too much for us to take,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry, “Before we could react, they all just spilled into the Gulf. We’re not sure how long it’s going to take to fix the leak.”

Preliminary estimates by environmentalists show that illegal immigrants are spilling into the Gulf at a rate of 2,500 per hour with no sign of letting up.

“At this point in time, it appears that a catastrophic amount of Pepes, Eduardos, Consuelas, and similar illegal immigrants have poured into the Gulf,” said Incident Commander Admiral Thad Allen, “At this point, we are looking to into ways to plug the leak, including using a ‘top kill’ method and spraying them with concrete.”

President Obama had already arrived in Texas to lend a hand to Democrats on the campaign trail and took a few moments to address the crisis.

“After single-handedly taking care of the oil spill, I think I can handle this illegal immigrant spill,” said Obama, “In this particular case, I think the use of dispersants is warranted. My plan is to disperse them by offering them all the jobs that my stimulus plan created. There. Problem solved. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help what’s-his-name win an election.”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer accepted responsibility for the spill and issued a formal apology.

“When we changed our immigration laws, we thought they would all go back to Mexico,” said Brewer, “Instead, they all spewed into the Gulf of Mexico. We’re not sure why this happened, but we think it’s possible that the words “Gulf of” fell off of a directional sign. We would lend our work force to assist you, but they all fell into the Gulf of Mexico.”

Indeed, this time around, labor to clean up the spill has been hard to find.

“Cleaning up the Gulf is a lot more work than collecting unemployment,” said Martin K. Johnston, who lost his job as a Gulf-cleaner last year to a layoff, “Since my benefits got extended another six months, I think I can deal with a few illegal immigrants bouncing off of my catamaran until they disperse on their own.”

Environmentalists are concerned that the illegal immigrants won’t disappear as easily as the oil did since the Gulf’s oil-eating bacteria is too focused on eating oil to consume the immigrants.

Vice President Joe Biden expressed shock when informed about the most recent spill.

“Can we just dump any s**t we want to in there now?” said Biden, “I have a whole pile of blown fluorescent light bulbs in my trunk.”

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D.C. Woman Gives Birth to 798 Pound Baby

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After months of build-up and difficulty, a Washington, D.C., woman has given birth to a 798-pound baby boy, setting a new world record for its excess.

Anya Reed successfully gave birth in a grotesque public display where doctors from around the country argued about just how to deliver the baby and where to put all of his girth post-delivery.

Specialists from the country's most respected clinics lent a hand to Reed in her nine-month effort to craft what will prove to be the most difficult baby to maintain and feed.

"It cost us thousands and thousands of dollars to have this baby," said Reed, "But it was worth it. Our little boy is big enough to hold this entire country on his back."

Controversy quickly followed the birth when it was discovered that Reed, a single mother, lacked the funds to pay for all the doctors who helped her conceive this baby and had no income to care for it in the long term.

"It's true, I'm unemployed," said Reed, "But this great country has always come through for underdogs like myself. Yes, the baby has already caused me to mortgage my house, pawn my valuables, and donate more blood than I actually have, but I'm sure someone will help me pick up the tab. We really need this baby. He's going to be a valuable contributor to society."

Reed even received a supportive phone call from President Barack Obama.

"I called Ms. Reed to let her know that she's right," said the President, "Nothing is more valuable to this country than an obese, expensive, sweaty, formula-puking, 3-ton-diaper-filling, Goodyear blimp of a baby. He's like a 798-pound beacon of hope."

Many doctors were involved in the controversial birth up until the last second, arguing all the way.

"I was insistent that we make sure and cut the umbilical cord so that it's an 'innie' once the baby's born," said Dr. Sam Oliphant of the Minnesota Pre-Natal Center, "My colleague from Massachusetts continued to insist upon an 'outtie' and we could not perform the birth until this was resolved. Thankfully, we got it resolved the night before."

Other controversial issues with the birth included an argument over whether or not to clip the baby's fingernails and toenails in-vitro in order to cut his weight down a little. Doctors from New York were no more willing to do that than they were to pick his nose in-vitro. In the end, the baby's weight was reduced in a compromise that included the in-vitro removal of a small build-up of toe-cheese.

Crowds gathered at local bars to watch the birth live on air winced as the mammoth bundle of jiggling joy slid from his very uncomfortable mother's body.

"I honestly wasn't sure what to do after I saw that," said Washington D.C. bartender Joe Stevens, "Cut people off from drinking or give away free drinks. Either way they're going to have to save their money to help feed this kid. The question is, would it be better if they got really, really drunk first."

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