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| Scott Brown |
Nevada Senator’s New PR Guru Also Coached Scott Brown, Nixon
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| Reid: “I’ll take it all off, baby.” |
Iturate spoke to SPN this afternoon and said: “If I don’t detect a major change in the polls soon you’ll be seeing Harry’s hairy ass on the pages of your Sports Illustrated and Ladies Home Journal.” The Nevada Democrat said he has already purchased a pickup truck, a 1955 Dodge. “It’s way cool dude,” he said.
Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell has thus far weathered charges that she has dabbled in the occult, but a former neighbor says she has evidence proving O’Donnell is in fact a witch.
Mrs. Gladys Kravitz recalled that one Saturday night in 2004 she asked O’Donnell to pick up a bottle of Sambuca at the liquor store, and that the perky, prudish politico made the trip by flying on a broom.
Kravitz
Kravitz produced an old VHS tape that she claims shows the aerial errand, but said she was too drunk at the time to focus the camera properly. “That bitch is a witch,” the disquisitive dipsomaniac said, and then passed out.
O’Donnell campaign spokesman Darrin Stevens told SPN that a personal pleasure device being sold in adult novelty shops as “Christine’s Magic Wand” has nothing to do with the diminuive Delawarian. “It’s just a coincidence,” he said.
Stevens
WASHINGTON DC (SR) - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he will add the DREAM Act, a highly unpopular and controversial immigration measure offering citizenship to some illegal immigrants, to an upcoming defense policy bill.
DREAM is an acronym for Don't Remove Ethnic Alien Morons.
Reid, who is fighting for his political life, called the DREAM Act "really important, especially for those illegal aliens of voting age living in Nevada."
Reid made the announcement at a Washington DC lowrider convention.
My comments: This is the kind of stuff we're not going to miss much when you're out of office, you miserable self-serving pinhead!
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (front, 2nd from right)
ReadSCOOTER'S REPORT EXCLUSIVE - Amid a growing number of reports that Democrat candidates are attempting to hide their party affiliation from voters, we contacted the campaign offices of two candidates involved in high profile races to see for ourselves:
Ohio Rep. Steve Driehaus
Driehaus campaign office (DCO): Driehaus for Congress, may I help You?
SR: Hello. Is Rep. Driehaus a Democrat?
DCO: Do you like Democrats?
SR: Of course not, they suck.
DCO: Well then, I can tell you that you'd like Rep. Driehaus, he's very conservative...
SR: Did he vote for healthcare?
DCO: (Hang up)
Virginia Rep. Glenn Nye
Nye campagn office (NCO): It's a Nye day for America, how may I help you?
SR: Hello. I just want to know if Rep. Nye is a Democrat.
NCO: Rep. Nye doesn't believe in labels...
SR: Look sister, is he a Democrat or not?
NCO: Sort of not...
SR: So then he's a Republican?
NCO: I'd say more like a Republicrat...
SR: There is no such thing.
NCO: (Hang up)
While our investigation was inconclusive, the fact most Democrat candidates are campaigning under an altered version of the traditional party symbol may indicate a possible attempt to mask their affiliation. More on this as it develops.
SCOOTER'S REPORT - If it's news but not here, it's not real:
Hardhats Vow Not To Build Ground Zero Mosque
Rats, I was really wanting to see how the Iron Workers' new pork/steel girders were going to work out. Thank God for individuals who put conscience before profit - I salute yous guys.
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Martha's Vineyard Still Attracts Sh*t
I thought this story referenced the Obama's latest vacation (this month) to Ted Kennedy's old drinking/whoring grounds, Martha's Vineyard, but it turns out it's about the salt-water lagoon fronting the first family’s vacation estate having high levels of fecal coliform bacteria.
Apparently, the reports of the First Lady pooping in the lagoon were true ("Hey Mom, what kind of fish is THAT?").
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Maxine Waters Dismisses Evidence In Ethics Case As "Chatter"
OK, so Intellectual pygmy and Rangel soul-mate, Rep. Maxine Waters, calls emails she sent to Barney Frank to procure $12 million for her husband's bank innocent "office chatter." Investigators (and anyone with a higher IQ than a bicycle seat's) politely disagree.
The fact that Waters has already forgotten how this defense worked out for Nixon and his tapes proves it's time for this parasitic geriatric hose-bag to hit the road. See ya!
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White House: Obama "Obviously" A Christian
Alright, let's see now...
Yep, Barry's obviously a follower of Christ, all right!
Read More Satire and Comic Comments at Scooter's Report
Embattled lawmaker Charlie Rangel, caught up in an ethics investigation, sat alone in The Plaza Hotel ballroom Wednesday, picking woefully at a piece of cake and quietly singing “Happy Birthday to me.” Rangel reserved the ballroom with the expectation that all of his friends would show for what promised to be the “coolest party ever.”
“Aretha Franklin is going to sing Happy Birthday to me,” Rangel told friends in congress yesterday, “You have to be there – after Aretha sings, we’re going to swing at 80-pound piñatas with ten-foot poles. Then, we’re going to watch a movie, take pictures with Bill Clinton, and everyone is going to get the best goodie bags ever.”
“Ever,” added Rangel.
One by one, Rangel’s guests wiggled their way out of his invitations. Former President Bill Clinton informed Rangel on Monday that he would send a short video-taped message instead. The Queen of Soul claimed to have broken a couple of ribs and backed out of singing in person.
Soon, eight more of Rangel’s friends in the House of Representatives backed out, all claiming that they had agreed to go to a competitive birthday party of 10-year-old Evan Stevens of Reston, Virginia.
Rangel was particularly disappointed when close friend New York Governor David Paterson expressed his regrets.
“You’ve gotta come to my party, David,” said a desperate Rangel as he chased Governor Paterson down the hall, “We’re going to have a cake shaped like the Lincoln Memorial. You love the Lincoln Memorial, and you love lemon cake.”
Paterson apologized and explained that he promised his wife he would attend her colonoscopy Wednesday night.
When the party began Wednesday night, Rangel sat alone in the Plaza ballroom, looking up occasionally whenever he heard a sound similar to an opening door. At one point during the night, he was excited to see a guest arrive, until the guest realized that he was in the wrong ballroom and asked Rangel where he could find the Liebowitz Bar Mitzvah party.
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay at my party instead?” asked Rangel to the tuxedo-clad Liebowitz relative, “We have a punch bowl with toy boats in it!”
Finally, Rangel gave up on the guests and watched the taped messages from Bill Clinton and Aretha Franklin.
“Dear friend, constituent or creditor,” said Clinton via videotape, “I am so proud of you on this wonderful occasion. Keep up the good work and stay happy. We’re pulling for you and we appreciate your support. Love from me and Hill.”
His video was followed by a short video of Franklin singing Happy Birthday.
“Happy Birthday to you,” sang Franklin, “Happy Birthday dear friend, relative, or general acquaintance, Happy Birthday to you.”
Read more Humorous and Satiric Articles at The Endive
“All the illegals who fled Arizona were just too much for us to take,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry, “Before we could react, they all just spilled into the Gulf. We’re not sure how long it’s going to take to fix the leak.”
Preliminary estimates by environmentalists show that illegal immigrants are spilling into the Gulf at a rate of 2,500 per hour with no sign of letting up.
“At this point in time, it appears that a catastrophic amount of Pepes, Eduardos, Consuelas, and similar illegal immigrants have poured into the Gulf,” said Incident Commander Admiral Thad Allen, “At this point, we are looking to into ways to plug the leak, including using a ‘top kill’ method and spraying them with concrete.”
President Obama had already arrived in Texas to lend a hand to Democrats on the campaign trail and took a few moments to address the crisis.
“After single-handedly taking care of the oil spill, I think I can handle this illegal immigrant spill,” said Obama, “In this particular case, I think the use of dispersants is warranted. My plan is to disperse them by offering them all the jobs that my stimulus plan created. There. Problem solved. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help what’s-his-name win an election.”
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer accepted responsibility for the spill and issued a formal apology.
“When we changed our immigration laws, we thought they would all go back to Mexico,” said Brewer, “Instead, they all spewed into the Gulf of Mexico. We’re not sure why this happened, but we think it’s possible that the words “Gulf of” fell off of a directional sign. We would lend our work force to assist you, but they all fell into the Gulf of Mexico.”
Indeed, this time around, labor to clean up the spill has been hard to find.
“Cleaning up the Gulf is a lot more work than collecting unemployment,” said Martin K. Johnston, who lost his job as a Gulf-cleaner last year to a layoff, “Since my benefits got extended another six months, I think I can deal with a few illegal immigrants bouncing off of my catamaran until they disperse on their own.”
Environmentalists are concerned that the illegal immigrants won’t disappear as easily as the oil did since the Gulf’s oil-eating bacteria is too focused on eating oil to consume the immigrants.
Vice President Joe Biden expressed shock when informed about the most recent spill.
“Can we just dump any s**t we want to in there now?” said Biden, “I have a whole pile of blown fluorescent light bulbs in my trunk.”
Read more Humorous and Satiric Articles at The Endive
HAVANA (SR) - On the heels of a report from the White House that President Obama plans to lift longstanding U.S. restrictions on Cuba, a startling photo has surfaced in Havana showing a young Fidel Castro holding a child described as his son, clearly a young Barack Obama!
This photograph, coupled with rumors that Obama's mother, Ann Soetoro, spent the early Sixties in Cuba, may go a long way in explaining Obama's political motives, as well as the apparent fondness Castro and his communist and socialist cronies have for the young President.
More on this earth-shattering story as it develops.
Fidel Castro with his son, later to be known as Barack Obama
Read More Satire at Scooter's Report
BRUSSELS (SR) - The head of the European Union, Mirek Topolanek, slammed President Barack Obama's plan to spend nearly $2 trillion to push the U.S. economy out of recession as "the road to hell."
"Even an ex-crackhead community organizer should know that trying to repair an economy by spending trillions you don't have is idiocy," said Topolanek.
The blunt comments by the Czech Prime Minister to the European Parliament on Wednesday highlighted simmering European differences with Washington ahead of a key summit next week on fixing the world economy.
Obama insisted Tuesday that his massive and bloated budget proposal will put the ailing U.S. economy back on its feet. "Borrowing trillions of dollars for temporary building and pork projects just makes sense to me," he said, "because it lays the foundation for a secure and lasting prosperity, at least until we have to pay it back."
President Obama defends stimulus plan
Read More Satire at Scooter's Report
WASHINGTON (SR) - In his first address to a joint session of Congress, President Barack Obama sought to soothe America's financial concerns, pledging to borrow hundreds of billions more for liberal social programs, and adding free college educations and health care to the mix.
"We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before - think Cuba without the frills," Obama said to thunderous Democratic applause.
In response to the President's upbeat speech, the markets today dropped faster than Bill Clinton's pants at a sorority mixer, leading many to question the brilliance of electing a socialist ex-crackhead community organizer to the nation's highest office.
"What was I thinking," asked Kashanda Johnson of Cleveland, Ohio. "My pimp handles money better than Barack. We're screwed."
President Obama Addresses joint session
Read More Satire at Scooter's Report
VATICAN CITY (SR) - Pope Benedict XVI met today with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a Catholic who supports abortion, in what observers called a "clash of good versus evil."
According to witnesses, Pelosi attempted to "school" the Pontiff on "what the Bible really means" concerning murder, prompting the Catholic leader to produce a vial of holy water and a large crucifix and driving the snarling and cursing Pelosi back against a wall.
According to witnesses, the Pope then unsuccessfully attempted to exorcise Pelosi, finally abandoning his efforts in the face of "overwhelming Godless liberalism."
After the meeting Speaker Pelosi had no comments for reporters as she hurried to her next stop, a gay rights celebration in downtown Rome.
Speaker of the House Pelosi departs meeting with Pope Benedict XVI
Read More Satire from Scooter's Report
The News L
eader of the Known Universe
After months of build-up and difficulty, a Washington, D.C., woman has given birth to a 798-pound baby boy, setting a new world record for its excess.
Anya Reed successfully gave birth in a grotesque public display where doctors from around the country argued about just how to deliver the baby and where to put all of his girth post-delivery.
Specialists from the country's most respected clinics lent a hand to Reed in her nine-month effort to craft what will prove to be the most difficult baby to maintain and feed.
"It cost us thousands and thousands of dollars to have this baby," said Reed, "But it was worth it. Our little boy is big enough to hold this entire country on his back."
Controversy quickly followed the birth when it was discovered that Reed, a single mother, lacked the funds to pay for all the doctors who helped her conceive this baby and had no income to care for it in the long term.
"It's true, I'm unemployed," said Reed, "But this great country has always come through for underdogs like myself. Yes, the baby has already caused me to mortgage my house, pawn my valuables, and donate more blood than I actually have, but I'm sure someone will help me pick up the tab. We really need this baby. He's going to be a valuable contributor to society."
Reed even received a supportive phone call from President Barack Obama.
"I called Ms. Reed to let her know that she's right," said the President, "Nothing is more valuable to this country than an obese, expensive, sweaty, formula-puking, 3-ton-diaper-filling, Goodyear blimp of a baby. He's like a 798-pound beacon of hope."
Many doctors were involved in the controversial birth up until the last second, arguing all the way.
"I was insistent that we make sure and cut the umbilical cord so that it's an 'innie' once the baby's born," said Dr. Sam Oliphant of the Minnesota Pre-Natal Center, "My colleague from Massachusetts continued to insist upon an 'outtie' and we could not perform the birth until this was resolved. Thankfully, we got it resolved the night before."
Other controversial issues with the birth included an argument over whether or not to clip the baby's fingernails and toenails in-vitro in order to cut his weight down a little. Doctors from New York were no more willing to do that than they were to pick his nose in-vitro. In the end, the baby's weight was reduced in a compromise that included the in-vitro removal of a small build-up of toe-cheese.
Crowds gathered at local bars to watch the birth live on air winced as the mammoth bundle of jiggling joy slid from his very uncomfortable mother's body.
"I honestly wasn't sure what to do after I saw that," said Washington D.C. bartender Joe Stevens, "Cut people off from drinking or give away free drinks. Either way they're going to have to save their money to help feed this kid. The question is, would it be better if they got really, really drunk first."
Read more Satire at The Endive
BERKELEY - Scooter's Report (SR), one of America's premier web-based news and commentary sites, yesterday presented House Speaker Nancy Pelosi with a formal request for a $37 billion assistance package, needed to provide additional liquidity for the company.
Speaker Pelosi called the requested aid package "absolutely vital in safeguarding the viability of America's electronic media," and said she is also asking for an additional $13 billion to "even out the number and make sure they have a little extra, just in case."C.E.O. of Scooter's Report, Scooter Van Neuter, speaking from his overwater bungalow in French Polynesia, publicly thanked Pelosi for her "diligence and steadfastness" in supporting key American industries, and expressed regret for any past SR "articles or photos that may have cast Madame Speaker in a less than favorable light."
Read More Satire from Scooter's Report and Humorous Comments
WASHINGTON (SR) - President-elect Barack Obama visited with President Bush in the Oval Office Monday, discussing a wide range of economic and national security issues.
White House Press Secretary Dana Perino described the sessions as "good, constructive, relaxed and friendly," but wouldn't comment further, citing the fact that is was a private meeting.
While the President and President-elect spoke, Laura Bush and Michelle Obama spent time together touring the White House and talking about raising children. Perino said the two were very much at ease, with Mrs. Obama discussing her plans to "get rid of all the old stuff" and "go tribal in the joint," indicating her desire to decorate
the White House with African accents, signifying her family's roots.
Several hours after the visit, reports came out of the White House indicating several items were missing, including an Oval Office paperweight formerly owned by President Grover Cleveland, and a silver soap dish and vase originally owned by Jacqueline Kennedy.
Press Secretary Dana Perino described the missing items as "invaluable," and asked that whoever took them to "please return them immediately, or at least by the end of the next term."
The Obamas say goodbye to President and Mrs. Bush
Read More Satire from Scooter's Report and Hilarious Comments
Vote your conscience, or suffer the consequences
