Monday, August 09, 2010

Gulf Hit by Massive Illegal Immigrant Spill

The Endive - The News Leader of the Known Universe

Just as Gulf residents began to see light at the end of the tunnel, another disaster hit the troubled body of water. Thousands of illegal immigrants poured into the Gulf through ruptures along the Gulf coast.

“All the illegals who fled Arizona were just too much for us to take,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry, “Before we could react, they all just spilled into the Gulf. We’re not sure how long it’s going to take to fix the leak.”

Preliminary estimates by environmentalists show that illegal immigrants are spilling into the Gulf at a rate of 2,500 per hour with no sign of letting up.

“At this point in time, it appears that a catastrophic amount of Pepes, Eduardos, Consuelas, and similar illegal immigrants have poured into the Gulf,” said Incident Commander Admiral Thad Allen, “At this point, we are looking to into ways to plug the leak, including using a ‘top kill’ method and spraying them with concrete.”

President Obama had already arrived in Texas to lend a hand to Democrats on the campaign trail and took a few moments to address the crisis.

“After single-handedly taking care of the oil spill, I think I can handle this illegal immigrant spill,” said Obama, “In this particular case, I think the use of dispersants is warranted. My plan is to disperse them by offering them all the jobs that my stimulus plan created. There. Problem solved. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help what’s-his-name win an election.”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer accepted responsibility for the spill and issued a formal apology.

“When we changed our immigration laws, we thought they would all go back to Mexico,” said Brewer, “Instead, they all spewed into the Gulf of Mexico. We’re not sure why this happened, but we think it’s possible that the words “Gulf of” fell off of a directional sign. We would lend our work force to assist you, but they all fell into the Gulf of Mexico.”

Indeed, this time around, labor to clean up the spill has been hard to find.

“Cleaning up the Gulf is a lot more work than collecting unemployment,” said Martin K. Johnston, who lost his job as a Gulf-cleaner last year to a layoff, “Since my benefits got extended another six months, I think I can deal with a few illegal immigrants bouncing off of my catamaran until they disperse on their own.”

Environmentalists are concerned that the illegal immigrants won’t disappear as easily as the oil did since the Gulf’s oil-eating bacteria is too focused on eating oil to consume the immigrants.

Vice President Joe Biden expressed shock when informed about the most recent spill.

“Can we just dump any s**t we want to in there now?” said Biden, “I have a whole pile of blown fluorescent light bulbs in my trunk.”

Read more Humorous and Satiric Articles at The Endive

No comments: