Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Armed Muppets Retake Manhattan

From The Endive - The News Leader of the Known Universe

The country is on high alert today after armed Muppets retook Manhattan by force, storming through the New York borough with heavy artillery and laser-like precision.

“Kermit the Frog here,” said the paramilitary group’s leader in a prepared statement, “For too long we have performed for your kids while enduring the excruciating pain of a human hand stuck up our asses. Today it ends.”

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, from the safety of his personal yacht off of Staten Island, encouraged New Yorkers to stay inside and do whatever the Muppets tell them to do.

“Stay inside and do whatever the Muppets tell you to do,” said Bloomberg, “The important thing is not to panic. The Muppets should know we’re a peaceful people. After all, that’s what we build mosques for.”

Congressional Democrats were quick to blame the United States and the Bush Administration for the sudden Muppet uprising.

“This is all thanks to reckless, irresponsible Bush-era politics,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, “It was the policies of George Bush that led to Muppet hatred of the United States. His anti-puppet agenda damaged our standing around the world and now we’re paying for it.”

Meanwhile, talk radio personality Glenn Beck drew massive criticism for his extreme anti-Muppet combat suggestions.

“All I suggested was making use of lighters and aerosol cans,” said Beck, “Last I checked Muppets were pretty flammable. Keith Olbermann started whining because I want to burn Muppets. Yes. I want to burn the terrorist Muppets. I’d pay for the privilege.”

Meanwhile, the Muppet rhetoric grew stronger as the group tightened its grip on Manhattan.

“We expect swift and immediate compliance to our demands,” said Fozzy the Bear, “We will begin executing people in two days unless we are given the entire island as our own independent Muppet state. In addition, we will be allowed to execute one New Yorker for every hand that has ever been stuck up our backsides.”

Added Fozzy, “Wakka, wakka, wakka.”

President Obama was inclined to give in to the Muppet demands.

“I’m inclined to give in to the Muppet demands,” said Obama, “They haven’t threatened to block the construction of the Ground Zero mosque and they aren’t interrupting my next vacation, so I see no problem giving them Manhattan Island as a gesture of peace. We could all learn a thing about from this Muppets.”

One Muppet made himself available for an interview with reporters from The Endive.

“Hello,” said the Muppet, “My name is Lew Zealand. I am a boomerang fish thrower. I throw the fish and they come back to me. But not today. Today, I am throwing grenades. These grenades do not come back to me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. Gonzo is going apes**t.”

Read more Humorous Articles and Satire  at The Endive

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