Obama Announces Cash for Crappers

Save a tree, turn in your crapper.

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) by Erica Bazoombas - Following the “hugely successful” Cash for Clunkers program, the Obama administration this morning rolled out the Cash for Crappers initiative, which will provide government cash to citizens who turn in their old toilets and purchase a new combination bidet/toilet fixture. Environmentalists say the plan will cut consumer’s use of toilet tissue by 78% and save millions of trees.

Gordon Brown: “Hand sanitizer, please

The administration’s effort to induce Americans to wipe with their hands instead of toilet tissue was failing miserably according to spokeswoman Tracy “Stinky” Fingers. “We eliminated the rolls here in the White House, but no one would shake the president’s hand so we installed bidets,” said Fingers.

Bidets are primarily used to wash and clean the genitalia, perineum, inner buttocks, and anus. Users who are unfamiliar with bidets often confuse a bidet with a urinal, toilet, or even a drinking fountain. “That is a very bad idea,” warned Obama. “It tastes terrible.”

Consumers can begin turning in their old crappers to their local Democrat Party headquarters immediately, and should receive a voucher from the government “in a few months.” Until then, Obama suggested “it might be a good time for folks to get back to nature.”

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